You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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