dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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