Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
