My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
