I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Randomize
