I wish I could teleport
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
