I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
