whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
