My cat gives me a boner
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
