we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
