Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
