Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
