Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
