just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
