my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
