1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
