I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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