Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
