i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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