she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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