Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
