she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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