I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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