i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
