The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
