Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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