btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
