The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
