Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
