Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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