Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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