my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
