I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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