can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
