So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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