bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
