I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
