um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
