My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
