what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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