Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
