Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
