just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
