you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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