how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
