My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
