i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
