i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
