the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
