I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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