I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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